


Turin Turambar

by emerwenaranel



Series: Turin Turambar [1]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-06
Packaged: 2019-06-21 15:58:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15561318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emerwenaranel/pseuds/emerwenaranel
Summary: Some moments from Turin Turambar's life.





	1. Chapter 1

I could feel pity once, I could feel empathy for those who suffered more than me. But I cannot pity anyone anymore. I have realised that I am too angry at this world, I have become a hateful person. I cannot get over this feeling of bitterness for this dreadful world that is filled with so much pain. And I do not think that others understand me. They seem to love me, but I hurt the ones I love, and the ones who love me back. I cannot stop hurting them, even though I wish I would not. But this curse that has befallen on me has made me a terrible person. I cannot forgive myself for this but I cannot stop it. This curse is so terrible that it has changed me to the core, it has changed me so much that mother would not recognise me if she saw me once again.  
However, I doubt that I will see Morwen ever again. We were sundered so many years ago, and I cannot see her again. It would be too dangerous for her and for my sister, whom I have not met yet. But I know that Nienor is strong, a flower in the grey north, as mother described her once. I should not meet them because I do not want to hurt them. Staying away from them is the only way I have to protect them. I cannot go back to Dor-lomin because they are much better without me. I know they are because they have each other. They do not have to suffer because I am not there. I will protect them one day. I will muster an army when I will be strong enough to have my own army. And this shall be the moment when I will set them free from the pain.  
But this moment has not come yet. I am but a stranger in this world. I am nobody because I am not protected by the king and queen of Doriath anymore. I had to leave this place after Saeros' death. Now, I am roaming, trying to find a safe place to stay. If such a place exists in this cruel, dark, dangerous world. But I have to find that safe place and stay there until I will have the chance to prove my worth. I will be the captain of my own army, I will kill as many orcs as I can. And I will no need anyone in my life there. I will only fight for the ones I love, but those people are few, so few. I will go back to Dor-lomin then, and I will see my mother and my sister, even though they are much better off without me. I will protect them at all costs. I swear.


	2. Childhood

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turin Turambar remembers his childhood.

I remember my childhood most vividly. I guess that it was happy for some years, especially when I had my sister, Urwen, with me. But she died so young, she was only three or four years old when she died due to that illness. My father had compared her to an elven child, but I did not understand what he meant by that. I can only remember that she was exceedingly beautiful, much fairer than any other child I had seen. I still look for her, even though I know that she is dead. I look for her in other women, hoping that they bear a ressemblance to my Lalaith.  
Lalaith- this was what we called Urwen. We called her Lalaith because her laughter brought joy to everyone, including me. I was so serious and moody, just like my mother, but I could feel pity for others, just like my father. But my sister- she was so different from me. She had my father's character, she was so happy and she constantly laughed, feeling glad that she was alive. I wish I could see the world the way she saw it. But her death devastated me, even though I did not ry in front of mother. I tried to be cold of heart, just like Morwen, but Labadal knew the way I felt for my sister's loss.  
He tried to explain some things to me, but I noticed that Labadal did not know what fate is. I do not think that I know what it is either. I am still trying to find my fate, my place in this world, but I wish I was still a child. Happy with my sister, following her while she was ignorant about me following her. But I really liked taking care of her. I remember my hand clenching hers when she had fallen on the ground. But she did not get injured, and this was a relief for me. I did not tell mother and father about this. I kept it secret, a memory I would cherish when I would grow older.  
And I still cherish this memory- her hand into mine. I really loved my sister, and I wish that she was still alive. But I know now that the dead do not come back to life, with the only exception of Beren Erchamion. Mother once said that we are related to Beren, and this was one of the reasons why she sent me to Doriath. She claimed that we are related to the king now, and he welcomed him warmly. But I wish I was with Morwen again. I deeply miss my mother. I wonder if I ever see Morwen ever again.


	3. Darkness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turin is thinking about his character.

Darkness came and it is cold, so cold. I do not know how to escape from this cruel darkness. It infatuates and repulses me at the same time. I think that this happens because I am the darkness, and the darkness is me. I will always be like this but the curse has made it so much worse for me. It hurts me too much but I have also inflicted pain to others. I hate myself for this but I cannot stop it. I am too selfish to listen to constructive criticism. I never listen to others' advice, and I suspect that this is my biggest flaw. I cannot escape myself, I guess that I will always be like this. And I hate myself so much for this, I really hate myself.  
But I guess that this will never stop. I will keep hurting others, even though I do not wish to do such a thing. I will always inflict pain to the ones I love, but I cannot love myself. I will always hate who I am but I cannot change- I will never change, I know I never will. And I wonder why I am like this. Why can I not be a different person? I wish I was a better man, I wish I was kind to others. But I will always be doomed, I will always be this darkness. I will be hated for who I am. However, nobody can hate me as much as I hate myself.


	4. His death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Turin Turambar dies.

It feels as if nothing really matters. Actually, nothing matters anymore. Now, I know the truth about my sister and me, and I hate myself even more. How could I do this to her? I should have protected her from harm, but what happened between us lead her to suicide. Now, I hate myself so much more than I can describe. I must punish myself, I must commit suicide as well. I must save this world from me. I must save all those people at all costs, and this means that I must die. It is the only thing I should do right now. I shall kill myself, I am on my way to do it.  
I am walking as fast as I can, moving closer to Cabed Naeramarth, the place where my most beloved sister committed suicide. She was so terrified by the truth that was revealed to her by the dragon that she could not live with the guilt anymore. I cannot live with that guilt either. I must punish myself severely after what I did. I doubt that I will be atoned if I continue with my miserable life after our crime. For marrying one's sister is the most horrendous crime in the world. May this sword take my life because I cannot continue living anymore. I just cannot.


End file.
